ROUND TWO OF VANJA GETS LOST IN ROMANCE NOVELS.
AND BY LOST I MEAN THOROUGHLY CONFUSED AND WANTING TO BASH MY HEAD IN.
This is actually the one I wanted to review last time. Someone forgot to log out of my amazon account before buying stuff, so I got multiple emails about these books being shipped, much to my own horror. (Thankfully they were sane enough to use their own credit card) Long story short, I thought this one would be here first, and was what I was expecting yesterday when I ripped open the amazon package.
So I instead decided to torture myself by reading both of them, though the back cover of this one makes it sound even worse.
THE FIRST LINE OF THIS ONE:
"The sharp crack of a cocking pistol brought Lucas Stone's head around."
This has to be intentional, right?
"Luke straightened away from his horse, his hands spread wide"
AGAIN.
Yet, I am a bit surprised. Normally, these books open with a long ramble about how awesome the heroine is. This opens with the male lead, who is driven by a "YOU KILLED MY FATHER, PREPARE TO DIE" type of mentality.
I'm also a little disappointed as the back cover makes it sound like he has serious issues. So far the only issue I see is with how he thinks Texas is a good place to live. (Why are all of these in Texas?!)
"Those things combined to make him a careful, knowing man. A dangerous man."
This just makes me laugh, though. I AM SO AFRAID OF HIM BECAUSE THE BOOK TOLD ME TO BE. AHHH, SOMEONE HOLD ME.
Anyway, he finds a saddle bag and:
"Considering its weight, Luke knew it was gold. It would come in handy. It'd buy him enough bullets to start a war, which was exactly what Luke had in mind to do."
1) Even one bullet can start a war
2) ... getting revenge on one person is not a war. And, again, so long as you have good aim, you'd only need one bullet for it.
"As soon as he was out of hearing distance, Luke slapped his horse's rump and they picked up the pace in moonlight almost as bright as day"
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS A BESTIALITY NOVEL. I REALLY DON'T CARE TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR KINKY MAN-ON-HORSE ACTION, MAN.
Also, never in my life have I seen moonlight "almost as bright as day"...
Annd I spoke too soon. Only the first 3 pages were about him.
LAST TIME IT WAS BETH, THIS TIME IT'S... RUTH. NEXT TIME IT'LL BE MOTH. AND THEN PATH OR MATH. THEN SITH, THE DARK SIDE HEROINE OF DOOM-- ACTUALLY, I'D BE ALL FOR THAT LAST ONE.
After some paragraphs about how hard-working Ruth is, we find out she's getting married to... her brother? Once again, I'm confused, as she says this isn't her family, but rather one she joined up with (and they do have different last names) for some reason I do not know, yet she keeps on referring to them with terms like "Ma" and "brother," even while her "Ma" degrades her and slaps her for being Irish. I don't know, if I were her, I'd just call her "asshole extraordinaire" instead of "Ma"
"She banged into something hard. Stars exploded in her eyes"
I've got news for you, those may look white, but they aren't stars.
No, actually, in order to get her away from this terrible family that was working her to death, they had the idiots try to cross a river in the middle of the flood; they all died and only she survives.
But that doesn't change the fact I'm now picturing all of this as a cartoon where people literally get stars in their eyes.
"Then he got closer and saw someone lying on the boards. A woman!"
Oh my, when I read someone, I was sure it was going to be a lizard-man dressed like a clown! But a woman? Oh my, why I just, I never!
"Lowering her to the ground, he saw an ugly gash in her matted red hair."
Um.
gash (gsh)
tr.v. gashed, gash·ing, gash·es
To make a long deep cut in; slash deeply.
n.
1. A long deep cut.
2. A deep flesh wound.
Last I checked, hair gets cut off. It does not get bleeding gashes or deep cuts.
"'Miss can you hear me?' He had no idea how to make an unconscious women wake up until she was good and ready"
Roflmao.
This is the guy I'm supposed to think of as ~dangerous and scary~?
Riiggghhttt. Maybe his ignorance is scary, but.
The point of this is that he's supposed to be the ~bad boy that she changes~ (of course, what else), but... well... for comparison, this is how the guy in my icon greets his love interest:
![]()
Yeah, I have no idea how ignorant revenge-river guy is supposed to be "scary" at all.For one, I just find the above amusing
AND WE GET AN EXPLANATION OF HIS APPEARANCE, I JUST... LOL
"He was dark, his eyes a velvety shade of midnight brown. He had a deep dimple in this chin that drew her attention too long. His hair was black as coal, his skin so tanned to look like an Indian. But his perfect English, laden with a Texas drawl, said he wasn't"
...
What does "velvety shade of midnight brown" even MEAN? To me, I now think his eyes are of a fuzzy un-eyelike fabric and viewing everything through a sepia filter.
Annd considering how he uses phrases like "hadn't oughta," I really have to question this "perfect English" statement. I'm sure there are Native Americans who speak better English, so she's also being racist on top of everything else.
"She shuddered and buried her face against Luke's chest"
Don't you always just bury your face in the chests of strangers after nearly dying? Perfectly normal response!
"A woman saved from a deadly situation couldn't exactly dictate where her savior was riding, now could she?"
Umm. I beg to differ. If someone refused to tell me where he was taking me, I wouldn't assume he's a savior. I'd say kthxbye and gtfo.
Granted, she's hurt-ish... or so I'd assume, except she doesn't seem that hurt, and she could easily steal his horse if need be. He's always awake when she's asleep, so he has to sleep SOMETIME.
"Why did she feel as if she were making excuses to God?
It was because when her turn came to stand before the pearly gates, she needed to be read when He asked her why she'd let her family to drown, that's why"
ARH.
1) That wasn't your "family," that was some random group of people working you to death and forcing you to marry your son
2) This is a terrible message. Being abused by your "family?" Go back to them or else god will shun you with eternal damnation! (Granted, that's also in line with several stories in the Bible, but still.)
3) She saw them die, there was nothing she could do, and there would be no point in going back.
... annd she even frets more about how she's "sinning" for several paragraphs.
Also, I'd like to point out that they mention being in Missouri when the flood hits.
She ends up in Texas. ALIVE.
That just... isn't possible. Google tells me that would be between 700-800 miles. (Or 1100-1300 kilometers)
Hell, I can't even find a river which runs from Missouri to Texas. Wtf.
![]()
You could assume she fell into the Mississippi River and then into one of the cut-away rivers, but that would make her journey even more rocky and longer and all-round impossible. ARRGHH.
For my own sanity, I'm just going to assume the author sucks ass at geography and got Mississippi and Missouri mixed up. There: She just floated across - the whole state of Louisiana - into Texas from Mississippi. Near-insane-meltdown reverted.
Almost. That still doesn't make sense, but it's better than Missouri. Hell, slaves trying to escape into freedom by crossing the Ohio River often drowned, and that river is only about 1/4th of a mile wide, so this just--
I know I'm harping on this, but it JUST SO... WTF.... HOW.
![]()
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Okay, after a brief sanity break, many deep breaths, and formulating a new theory (that is, she got abducted by aliens who then placed her in Texas just to confuse everyone) I'm back.
And the first line I read is about how pretty our heroine is despite how she's covered in mud and sunburned. Yay. Just what I wanted. She also apparently fell asleep in his arms despite not knowing him. These protags are always so smart.
"he swung down with his arms full of sleeping woman"
I can't even pinpoint what about this sentence makes it amusing. I would never even think to write a sentence like that.
I think it's because they keep on defining the characters by their gender, which is something I don't place on high importance. That said, because of that, I'm also getting increasingly annoyed by how they keep on doing it.
"Her eyes flickered open. They were so blue, so pretty, that they seemed to glow out of her dirty face."
"'You're strong.' She spoke so softly he leaned close to catch every word. Those blue eyes blinked and fluttered and he had to think for a while before he figured out what she'd said."
hahahhaha
this is an example of what a lot of the dialog looks like. I've been skipping a lot of it as there's just so much like this. They keep on getting lost in each others eyes and having moments of silence because of it in particular. It's incredibly boring.
"He felt himself turn into her protector, a man who would fight wars to keep her safe."
... what's with this guy and war.
And while I'm all for people who know and care about each other protecting one another, he doesn't even know her name yet. I kind of want to stab the gender roles here, in part because the whole DASHING KNIGHT thing is a peeve of mine. (Though again, this is incredibly funny considering how he's introduced as someone who is just so ~dangerous~)
"He realized he was thinking of kissing those lips and it was like a cannon exploding."
Ha...haha... okay, that one has to be intentional. Quick man, think of... uh... /checks the date this is supposed to be...
President Ulysses S. Grant naked!
...
great, now I have THAT mental image and want to inject brain bleach into my skull
"Then she lifted her hands to eye level and gasped. 'I am filthy.'"
If she's filthy (she /gasp/ is walking barefoot! exposing her ankles to the world!), I must be made of garbage by this point.
"Be careful, miss. Drink slow and don't overfill your belly right at first or you'll get the collywobbles."
Collywobbles.
COLLYWOBBLES.
I googled it and apparently this is a real phrase, unlike MAD CLEAN, but it's still just fun to say. Collywobbles!
Doesn't help that by this point I'm reading everything wrong and envisioned this as an oral sex scene.
OH, MAN, THE START OF THE NEXT CHAPTER:
"Luke had never carried a wet woman before."
Hahahahahaha
I know I was already reading everything wrong
But
Really? I honestly can't tell if half of these are intentional to make the otherwise really conservative romance ~exciting~ or if the author is really that oblivious.
"He'd fallen asleep instead of riding herd over her, so he deserved what happened."
Falling asleep while "carrying a wet woman" is never a good sign. Quick, spice up your sex-- er-- "wet life" with this new book, just 9.99 plus shipping and handling!
Disclaimer: I am not responsible if all the tips were stolen from a quick google search.
"Women were a mystery to him"
Considering how he even thought they have a different way of BEING FUCKING UNCONSCIOUS, I'll have to agree with this statement.
Even if the gendered thing is still annoying me.
"As they rode along the wild, rugged country, the rocks that looked like red layer cake grew up."
Uh.
Do I even have to comment on this one?
"Since she was asleep and wouldn't know, Luke rubbed one of the little corkscrew curls between his fingers and enjoyed the silk of it. He'd never thought much about woman's hair. Now he found himself fascinated. He wanted to sink his hands deep into it, let the silk run over his calluses"
I
Seriously, I think my mind has melted enough by this point that I don't even know where to begin with this one.
I know I should say something witty, but I just feel like curling up into the fetal position.
"The wide canyon his pa had called Palo Duro, Mex words that meant hard wood."
Ahh good, we're back to more not-even-trying-to-be-subtle innuendo!
Even if he seems to be unaware of how there's no language called "Mex(ican)"
"I sent Flint Greer a letter, all legal and proper, throwing him off my land. Now I've got to show up and make a lawless murderer obey a signed document. I expect there to be gunplay involved."
Hhnnn, you don't say! If there's gunplay in the future, maybe I will read furt--
wait, why do I get the impression he's not talking about the same thing I'm talking about...
I stopped at the end of chapter 4, and this was one of the last phrases:
"Luke said to his little woman"
......
>>
He just learned her name, and either way, I hate phrasing like that. Bah.
This'll be the last of these for quite awhile AS THIS IS HOW I NOW FEEL:
![]()
Crossposted from http://chaos-cat.dreamwidth.org/4162.html
AND BY LOST I MEAN THOROUGHLY CONFUSED AND WANTING TO BASH MY HEAD IN.
This is actually the one I wanted to review last time. Someone forgot to log out of my amazon account before buying stuff, so I got multiple emails about these books being shipped, much to my own horror. (Thankfully they were sane enough to use their own credit card) Long story short, I thought this one would be here first, and was what I was expecting yesterday when I ripped open the amazon package.
So I instead decided to torture myself by reading both of them, though the back cover of this one makes it sound even worse.
THE FIRST LINE OF THIS ONE:
"The sharp crack of a cocking pistol brought Lucas Stone's head around."
This has to be intentional, right?
"Luke straightened away from his horse, his hands spread wide"
AGAIN.
Yet, I am a bit surprised. Normally, these books open with a long ramble about how awesome the heroine is. This opens with the male lead, who is driven by a "YOU KILLED MY FATHER, PREPARE TO DIE" type of mentality.
I'm also a little disappointed as the back cover makes it sound like he has serious issues. So far the only issue I see is with how he thinks Texas is a good place to live. (Why are all of these in Texas?!)
"Those things combined to make him a careful, knowing man. A dangerous man."
This just makes me laugh, though. I AM SO AFRAID OF HIM BECAUSE THE BOOK TOLD ME TO BE. AHHH, SOMEONE HOLD ME.
Anyway, he finds a saddle bag and:
"Considering its weight, Luke knew it was gold. It would come in handy. It'd buy him enough bullets to start a war, which was exactly what Luke had in mind to do."
1) Even one bullet can start a war
2) ... getting revenge on one person is not a war. And, again, so long as you have good aim, you'd only need one bullet for it.
"As soon as he was out of hearing distance, Luke slapped his horse's rump and they picked up the pace in moonlight almost as bright as day"
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS A BESTIALITY NOVEL. I REALLY DON'T CARE TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR KINKY MAN-ON-HORSE ACTION, MAN.
Also, never in my life have I seen moonlight "almost as bright as day"...
Annd I spoke too soon. Only the first 3 pages were about him.
LAST TIME IT WAS BETH, THIS TIME IT'S... RUTH. NEXT TIME IT'LL BE MOTH. AND THEN PATH OR MATH. THEN SITH, THE DARK SIDE HEROINE OF DOOM-- ACTUALLY, I'D BE ALL FOR THAT LAST ONE.
After some paragraphs about how hard-working Ruth is, we find out she's getting married to... her brother? Once again, I'm confused, as she says this isn't her family, but rather one she joined up with (and they do have different last names) for some reason I do not know, yet she keeps on referring to them with terms like "Ma" and "brother," even while her "Ma" degrades her and slaps her for being Irish. I don't know, if I were her, I'd just call her "asshole extraordinaire" instead of "Ma"
"She banged into something hard. Stars exploded in her eyes"
I've got news for you, those may look white, but they aren't stars.
No, actually, in order to get her away from this terrible family that was working her to death, they had the idiots try to cross a river in the middle of the flood; they all died and only she survives.
But that doesn't change the fact I'm now picturing all of this as a cartoon where people literally get stars in their eyes.
"Then he got closer and saw someone lying on the boards. A woman!"
Oh my, when I read someone, I was sure it was going to be a lizard-man dressed like a clown! But a woman? Oh my, why I just, I never!
"Lowering her to the ground, he saw an ugly gash in her matted red hair."
Um.
gash (gsh)
tr.v. gashed, gash·ing, gash·es
To make a long deep cut in; slash deeply.
n.
1. A long deep cut.
2. A deep flesh wound.
Last I checked, hair gets cut off. It does not get bleeding gashes or deep cuts.
"'Miss can you hear me?' He had no idea how to make an unconscious women wake up until she was good and ready"
Roflmao.
This is the guy I'm supposed to think of as ~dangerous and scary~?
Riiggghhttt. Maybe his ignorance is scary, but.
The point of this is that he's supposed to be the ~bad boy that she changes~ (of course, what else), but... well... for comparison, this is how the guy in my icon greets his love interest:
Yeah, I have no idea how ignorant revenge-river guy is supposed to be "scary" at all.
AND WE GET AN EXPLANATION OF HIS APPEARANCE, I JUST... LOL
"He was dark, his eyes a velvety shade of midnight brown. He had a deep dimple in this chin that drew her attention too long. His hair was black as coal, his skin so tanned to look like an Indian. But his perfect English, laden with a Texas drawl, said he wasn't"
...
What does "velvety shade of midnight brown" even MEAN? To me, I now think his eyes are of a fuzzy un-eyelike fabric and viewing everything through a sepia filter.
Annd considering how he uses phrases like "hadn't oughta," I really have to question this "perfect English" statement. I'm sure there are Native Americans who speak better English, so she's also being racist on top of everything else.
"She shuddered and buried her face against Luke's chest"
Don't you always just bury your face in the chests of strangers after nearly dying? Perfectly normal response!
"A woman saved from a deadly situation couldn't exactly dictate where her savior was riding, now could she?"
Umm. I beg to differ. If someone refused to tell me where he was taking me, I wouldn't assume he's a savior. I'd say kthxbye and gtfo.
Granted, she's hurt-ish... or so I'd assume, except she doesn't seem that hurt, and she could easily steal his horse if need be. He's always awake when she's asleep, so he has to sleep SOMETIME.
"Why did she feel as if she were making excuses to God?
It was because when her turn came to stand before the pearly gates, she needed to be read when He asked her why she'd let her family to drown, that's why"
ARH.
1) That wasn't your "family," that was some random group of people working you to death and forcing you to marry your son
2) This is a terrible message. Being abused by your "family?" Go back to them or else god will shun you with eternal damnation! (Granted, that's also in line with several stories in the Bible, but still.)
3) She saw them die, there was nothing she could do, and there would be no point in going back.
... annd she even frets more about how she's "sinning" for several paragraphs.
Also, I'd like to point out that they mention being in Missouri when the flood hits.
She ends up in Texas. ALIVE.
That just... isn't possible. Google tells me that would be between 700-800 miles. (Or 1100-1300 kilometers)
Hell, I can't even find a river which runs from Missouri to Texas. Wtf.
You could assume she fell into the Mississippi River and then into one of the cut-away rivers, but that would make her journey even more rocky and longer and all-round impossible. ARRGHH.
For my own sanity, I'm just going to assume the author sucks ass at geography and got Mississippi and Missouri mixed up. There: She just floated across - the whole state of Louisiana - into Texas from Mississippi. Near-insane-meltdown reverted.
Almost. That still doesn't make sense, but it's better than Missouri. Hell, slaves trying to escape into freedom by crossing the Ohio River often drowned, and that river is only about 1/4th of a mile wide, so this just--
I know I'm harping on this, but it JUST SO... WTF.... HOW.
Okay, after a brief sanity break, many deep breaths, and formulating a new theory (that is, she got abducted by aliens who then placed her in Texas just to confuse everyone) I'm back.
And the first line I read is about how pretty our heroine is despite how she's covered in mud and sunburned. Yay. Just what I wanted. She also apparently fell asleep in his arms despite not knowing him. These protags are always so smart.
"he swung down with his arms full of sleeping woman"
I can't even pinpoint what about this sentence makes it amusing. I would never even think to write a sentence like that.
I think it's because they keep on defining the characters by their gender, which is something I don't place on high importance. That said, because of that, I'm also getting increasingly annoyed by how they keep on doing it.
"Her eyes flickered open. They were so blue, so pretty, that they seemed to glow out of her dirty face."
"'You're strong.' She spoke so softly he leaned close to catch every word. Those blue eyes blinked and fluttered and he had to think for a while before he figured out what she'd said."
hahahhaha
this is an example of what a lot of the dialog looks like. I've been skipping a lot of it as there's just so much like this. They keep on getting lost in each others eyes and having moments of silence because of it in particular. It's incredibly boring.
"He felt himself turn into her protector, a man who would fight wars to keep her safe."
... what's with this guy and war.
And while I'm all for people who know and care about each other protecting one another, he doesn't even know her name yet. I kind of want to stab the gender roles here, in part because the whole DASHING KNIGHT thing is a peeve of mine. (Though again, this is incredibly funny considering how he's introduced as someone who is just so ~dangerous~)
"He realized he was thinking of kissing those lips and it was like a cannon exploding."
Ha...haha... okay, that one has to be intentional. Quick man, think of... uh... /checks the date this is supposed to be...
President Ulysses S. Grant naked!
...
great, now I have THAT mental image and want to inject brain bleach into my skull
"Then she lifted her hands to eye level and gasped. 'I am filthy.'"
If she's filthy (she /gasp/ is walking barefoot! exposing her ankles to the world!), I must be made of garbage by this point.
"Be careful, miss. Drink slow and don't overfill your belly right at first or you'll get the collywobbles."
Collywobbles.
COLLYWOBBLES.
I googled it and apparently this is a real phrase, unlike MAD CLEAN, but it's still just fun to say. Collywobbles!
Doesn't help that by this point I'm reading everything wrong and envisioned this as an oral sex scene.
OH, MAN, THE START OF THE NEXT CHAPTER:
"Luke had never carried a wet woman before."
Hahahahahaha
I know I was already reading everything wrong
But
Really? I honestly can't tell if half of these are intentional to make the otherwise really conservative romance ~exciting~ or if the author is really that oblivious.
"He'd fallen asleep instead of riding herd over her, so he deserved what happened."
Falling asleep while "carrying a wet woman" is never a good sign. Quick, spice up your sex-- er-- "wet life" with this new book, just 9.99 plus shipping and handling!
Disclaimer: I am not responsible if all the tips were stolen from a quick google search.
"Women were a mystery to him"
Considering how he even thought they have a different way of BEING FUCKING UNCONSCIOUS, I'll have to agree with this statement.
Even if the gendered thing is still annoying me.
"As they rode along the wild, rugged country, the rocks that looked like red layer cake grew up."
Uh.
Do I even have to comment on this one?
"Since she was asleep and wouldn't know, Luke rubbed one of the little corkscrew curls between his fingers and enjoyed the silk of it. He'd never thought much about woman's hair. Now he found himself fascinated. He wanted to sink his hands deep into it, let the silk run over his calluses"
I
Seriously, I think my mind has melted enough by this point that I don't even know where to begin with this one.
I know I should say something witty, but I just feel like curling up into the fetal position.
"The wide canyon his pa had called Palo Duro, Mex words that meant hard wood."
Ahh good, we're back to more not-even-trying-to-be-subtle innuendo!
Even if he seems to be unaware of how there's no language called "Mex(ican)"
"I sent Flint Greer a letter, all legal and proper, throwing him off my land. Now I've got to show up and make a lawless murderer obey a signed document. I expect there to be gunplay involved."
Hhnnn, you don't say! If there's gunplay in the future, maybe I will read furt--
wait, why do I get the impression he's not talking about the same thing I'm talking about...
I stopped at the end of chapter 4, and this was one of the last phrases:
"Luke said to his little woman"
......
>>
He just learned her name, and either way, I hate phrasing like that. Bah.
This'll be the last of these for quite awhile AS THIS IS HOW I NOW FEEL:
Crossposted from http://chaos-cat.dreamwidth.org/4162.html
